To my Mom on her Birthday

Dear Mom,

It’s another year and you’re not here with me. It never gets any easier to write you this letter. As the years go on parts of you fades in my mind. I can barely hear your voice anymore, your eyes aren’t as clear as they once were and sometimes I don’t know what you would say to me in those situations where I really need you. I used to be able to say everything to you knowing that you would always listen to me no matter what it was. You always told me to follow my heart. Sometimes without you here it feels like that is missing. I’ve lost the compass of where self is. But even though I’ve lost some of these things I also hold onto many others

Your warmth has never left me. Sometimes I can still feel your hugs. You showed me that if my heart is in the right place the rest of my body will follow. The way you would gently wake me up with a voice that called me out of sleep in the best way possible.  When I was hurting and the tears would come, you would cry with me. You taught me that it was OK for a man to cry. You also encouraged me to laugh and seek the joy in life even in the midst of pain. Even when others doubted me you always had hope. You taught me it’s never to late to hope.

Mom I need to be honest that I have seen some dark days since you’ve been gone. I made you a promise that I would be OK and that you would be able to look down on me and be proud of me no matter where you were. I have not always kept that promise. I lost parts of myself to deal with my demons and I forgot what it looked like to hope. I stopped letting God speak into my life and let my demons tell me who I was. I stopped believing I was that boy you raised.

But as I write this letter to you now, I’ve made it through my darkest times and I have seen that elusive hope once again. I know what grace is again and I am chasing it with all that I have. I continue to fail and hurt but I also know how to rise from that into the light that once took you from me. I know that someday I will get to be there with you and I will cherish that day but for now I know I have so much left here to do. Someday I will have your grandchild and I will share everything that their Grandma taught me.  I will teach them hope for each day. That it’s ok to cry. That their hearts are their greatest assets. I will wake them gently in the morning and I will tuck them in at night soothing all their fears. I will tell that there is always grace. But mostly I will give them love the very love that you gave me. The very love that makes me who I am today.

I love you Mom and I will always miss you but you will never be fully gone from me.

Love Zach